Article - Confessions Of A Gumshoe

Confessions Of A Gumshoe
By William I. Lengeman III
(Originally published in Harrisburg Magazine, April 1996)

Private investigator John Wozniak wants you to know a few things. He's never shot anyone. He's never worked anyone over. He's never cracked a murder case. He's never whipped through the streets of Harrisburg in a high speed car chase. He has no crumpled raincoats or battered snap brim fedoras in his wardrobe. And judging from his soft spoken manner it's unlikely that he's ever slapped a dame around or, for that matter, even used the words dame, babe, chick, broad or tomato to refer to a woman.

John knows all the stereotypes that bustle through people's minds when they find out that he's a private investigator. He calls it the television mentality, but notes that movies probably paint an even more unrealistic picture of private investigators.

Because of this distorted perception clients often ask John to do things that are blatantly illegal, things that could put him behind bars...or worse.

A typical example is in domestic cases where clients want action photos of their adulterous spouse "in the saddle," as John calls it, with a laugh. "They think that because that's what TV shows. They like the idea of breaking through a window with a camera and close up lens, thinking this is the thing that will surely get them what they want. That's not true at all."

John gives this type of work a wide berth, sending clients elsewhere or recommending that they first see a lawyer, who can help them decide on the proper course of action. "It's absolutely a horrible, vulnerable situation. A couple in bed, they're naked and you come in with cameras...but that's the TV mentality."

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John Wozniak lives and works in a nice home in a quiet suburban neighborhood on the outskirts of Harrisburg. His second floor office is one of the few things about him that comes close to fitting the PI stereotype. A small room, painted a dark shade of blue, it seems to swallow up the light from a floor lamp in the corner. Three Martin guitars sit nearby. An amateur flatpicker, with a penchant for bluegrass and country and western, John admits the expensive guitars are an indulgence, one that his wife Grace grudgingly tolerates.

The 61-year-old Wozniak has held court in this room since 1990, when he retired from the IRS with 30 years of service. Born in Old Forge, Pennsylvania, he followed a stint in the Air Force with four years at Wilkes College in Wilkes Barre. Upon graduation the IRS hired him from the campus as a field investigator.

After shelving his IRS badge in 1990, John was prepared to do a lot of hiking, another of his passions. But after about six months he began to get an itch that his newly acquired sedentary lifestyle couldn't scratch.

"I'd made a lot of good contacts. A U.S. Attorney who is no longer with the government suggested that private investigator might be a good way for me to go. He and his partner walked me through the applications in the courthouse and I got my license from Dauphin County."

John praises Pennsylvania's Private Detectives Act, which sets stiff rules for would be investigators. "They have pretty stringent requirements. I didn't realize they did such an extremely good background check. They didn't just take my word for it. They did an extensive investigation. I would say maybe as thorough as the IRS did when they hired me for federal level. The license in Dauphin County is valuable and for that reason I feel good about it."

John recalls vividly how the district attorney "eyeballed me terrifically" during the application interview when the topic turned to weapons. "He was looking for the TV detective."

Today much of John's work consists of audits for law and accounting firms. He also acts as intermediary to people who are in hot water with the IRS. "My specialty, because I've worked in that field, is collection problems. Anybody who has the IRS breathing down their neck for past due taxes. It's good knowing the system. If you have new people coming on board oftentimes you know as much or more than the (IRS) person handling that case."

Another area of expertise is tracing and finding people. John estimates that he's successfully traced "several hundred" people throughout his career. "I'm extremely good at that. Because of the training with the government looking for assets I'm very very at home in a courthouse."

John claims that one trip to the courthouse can often unlock even the toughest case. "A marriage license just opens up a whole avenue of different people or different sources to go to as you trace these people."

Though he uses TV mostly as a sedative, John confesses to watching detective shows, which help him understand his clients' unrealistic expectations. "You'd be surprised how many times when you give your ID to somebody that you really truly are the first live private investigator they've ever met. All their other contacts are through the media."

Dr. Jay Livingston, associate professor of sociology at Montclair State University and author of "Crime and Criminology", describes a "hierarchy of competence" in law enforcement as it's portrayed in American movies and television. At the top of this hierarchy is the ace private investigator, followed by the less effective police detective and then the often bumbling patrol officer.

John is rankled by this fictional hierarchy, which many potential clients accept as truth. "They think that investigators have secret powers that transcend normal means. They think that you transcend police, that nobody else could help them but private investigators because they can do no wrong."

Though he's licensed to carry a gun John says that's the least desirable part of his job and notes that it's usually locked in the trunk, where it's available if needed. He hopes to never have a need for it, expressing a heartfelt wish to die of "natural" causes.

John admits that investigative work consists of a lot of frustration and drudgery. "I feel I'm very successful. The key to that is that you never get disappointed. Every time a lead turns up bad then you must go ahead and give it your best shot. If you don't have staying power, don't get into this business. It's not for you. If you're frustrated easily you'll never succeed."

Much of John's frustration is dealt with in the great outdoors. A good ten or fifteen mile hike often unravels many problems that weren't solvable in the courthouse. Of all of the aspects of his work John likes these "mental gymnastics" best. "It's better on your mind to wear out than to rust out. I know so many people who retire and they go to hell."

At a time when most people are preparing plans for their peaceful sunshine years John says he'll probably just keep on keeping on. "I like it enough to do that. I do this because I love it."

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Sidebar - A Bunch Of Dicks

Like other professionals, private investigators often gather together in groups defined by a common occupation. One such group is the Council Of International Investigators, based in Ambler, Pennsylvania.

Norm Willox, CEO of the National Fraud Investigation Center and executive secretary and treasurer of CII, calls the 41-year-old group the "elite of the elite". CII's restricted membership is composed of 350 members from around the world including England, Germany, France, Australia, India, Pakistan, Malaysia and selected Third World countries.

Willox says restrictions on membership are for good reason. "The professional investigation industry, like any industry, is not without it's bad apples."

CII applicants take a qualifying exam, submit to a 15 element background check and must have been in the profession three years. Most CII members are investigators who have moved from the public to the private sector and who work mainly in the areas of white collar crime and financial fraud. Willox says these two area are a whopping subsector of the criminal underworld. "The growth in economic fraud is astronomical."

Willox says economic fraud and white collar crime currently account for 200 billion dollars in losses in the United States, up from about 80 billion dollars 10 years ago. Losses worldwide are approaching one trillion dollars.

As a result private investigation was ranked in several recent surveys as one of the top growth industries worldwide, according to Willox. He identifies The United Kingdom, India and Russia as areas experiencing especially rapid growth and says that CII gets many applications from the former Soviet Union, where he says that it seems like every former KGB agent is now striking out on his own.

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Sidebar - How Do You Say...?

It might not be a good idea to walk up to a private investigator and call him or her a "dick nose," even though the 1943 edition of the American Thesaurus of Slang lists it, along with "dick eye" and the more common "dick," as a synonym for detective.

According to the Random House Historical Dictionary of American Slang, "dick" is actually derived from "dik," a Romany word meaning "to look, see" and from the Hindu "deek," which has a similar meaning. Other include D., dee, deek, dicktective and dumb dick.

"Gumshoe," another popular PI slang term, has a more literal meaning. It came into use in the early part of this century and referred to the practice of using soft rubber or gum soled shoes to make a quieter approach to a crime scene. Derivations include gumboot, gumfoot, gumshoeman, gumshoe worker, roundheels, rubber glue, rubber heel, sneaker, soft heel and squeaky shoe.

The derivations of other PI slang terms are often obvious. Many suggest vigilance, such as beagle, big eyes, bloodhound, elephant ears, eye, hawk, hawkshaw, snoop, snooper, snoop hound and spotter.

Other common and not so common appellations for PIs include busy, club and stick, cluck, deteckitive, dummy, elbow, fink, flat, flatfoot, flatter, flattie, fuzz, the guy in the derby and square toed shoes, heavy foot, hot hand, hound, Johnny Ham, John or Johnny Law, keystone, man hunter, mouser, nose, pecker, plant, Richard, skull buster, slewfoot, sleufoot, sleuth, sleuthfoot, sleuthhound, sloose, smeller, snouter, split, stag, tec, teck, and weazel.

Copyright 2007, William I. Lengeman III