Sunday, June 23, 2013

stages of partying

party like mother teresa
party like a guy who'd probably rather be doing something in a laboratory
party like a rock star's great aunt
party like a duck
party naked
party like a goose
party like it's 1999
party like a chickadee
party hearty
party your ass off

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

children's book titles that might not be completely appropriate

where the girls go wild things are
the cat shat in the hat
the lion, the bitch, and the wardrobe
the sulfurous ass wind in the willows
the whorehouse at pooh corner
james and the giant mildewed toenail
charlie and the asshole factory
are you there, god? it's me, you shithead

Friday, June 14, 2013

reasons why babies are deserving of our scorn

prone to shriek their fat heads off with little or no provocation
sometimes grow up to be donald trump
contribute not squat to the gross domestic product
seemingly content to wallow in their own filth
incapable of engaging in sustained political discourse
no fashion sense
rarely create engaging works of sculpture
don't have the common sense the good lord gave to a duck

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

least loved breakfast cereals

kelloggs skin flakes
toasted baby feet
shredded rat
plumbers cracks
count retchula
frosted dingleberries
carrion chex
lice krispies
cream of poodle
fruity marbles