how to deep fry a turkey

procure a turkey in the usual manner.
such as casually approaching it on a street corner
while appearing to study your wristwatch
and then pouncing on it
and stuffing it into a satchel
or a carpetbag.
or set a very large mousetrap
in an area frequented by turkeys.
for best results,
the turkey should be dead.
if the turkey is not dead,
be patient,
turkeys are not immortal.
dynamite is not considered sporting
as a method for snuffing out
the life of a turkey.
and beating a turkey to death with a shoe
may be frowned upon.
suffocating a turkey with a pillow
is considered relatively humane.
but it is no small feat to sneak up on a turkey.
do reflect on the irony
of smothering a turkey with a feather pillow.
the next step is to dress the turkey.
whatever that means.
but a nice pinafore is considered stylish
or a seersucker suit.
whatever that is.
never attempt to put a wig on a turkey.
it will only aggravate the turkey
and you won't feel good about yourself.
now place the turkey
into some type of turkey frying device
and deep fry it
in the customary manner.
if the turkey is not quite dead
you'll know it.