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Sunday, April 12, 2015

Care and Feeding of Your Evil Overlord

Congratulations on purchasing an evil overlord from Unbridled Malevolence, LLC. You now own an evil overlord from the leading brand in sinister oppression. Our commitment to quality and innovation ensures that each evil overlord we produce offers unrivaled vileness. Here are pointers to help you keep your evil overlord in good working order for the lifetime of the product.

Evil overlords are like kittens or skid steer loaders. They require periodic inspections and proper maintenance to continue working properly. An evil overlord should have a regular inspection to prevent problems and keep the owner from suffering consequences such as repair bills or total world domination. Your evil overlord should be inspected once a year by a qualified professional.

Evil overlords are native to parts of Cincinnati and the mountain ranges surrounding Mordor. There are two species of evil overlord, C. badicussmellicus and C. blackheartaie. At birth they range in size from two to five ounces (and are really quite cute). Baby evil overlords are born with demon eyes and will typically shed their fur within the first few weeks of life. Evil overlord pelts were once highly prized and so they were hunted almost to extinction. However, they have now been bred in captivity for nearly half a century.

Although small in size, baby evil overlords are very active. Their cages must have sufficient space to allow movement. They are mostly lovable and cuddly but can tear your throat out in a fraction of a second.

A baby evil overlord's toys should be kept in an orderly way on a shelf or in a closet.

Evil overlords' teeth grow continuously. Incisors may grow up to ten inches annually. This can actually make it difficult for them to rend flesh effectively. Your evil overlord should have their teeth trimmed several times a year.

Evil overlords are nocturnal. They are not social animals and prefer not to be in groups. Most groups would prefer not to have them so it's just as well.

Evil overlords should not be picked up by the ears.

Male evil overlords are prone to urinary tract blockages. They are also prone to attempting to destroy the universe.

An evil overlord's natural diet consists of shrubs, flesh of humans they have ground under their boot heels, lemon vanilla cupcakes and sludge.

Evil overlords may engage in dirt-eating. More rarely they will hoot or slap their knees. They cannot vomit.

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