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Saturday, July 25, 2015

The Curmudgeon

He is accustomed to retrieving the newspaper at precisely six thirty.

It isn't there.

He fumes. He rants incoherently and jerks and twitches. After about a minute he begins to froth at the mouth.

One minute after that he starts to bark and growl and gnaw at his arm. At three minutes he dumps a pot of hot coffee on his head. At four minutes he yells so loudly that his teeth fly out and stick in the wall and his wig pops off and lands on the cat.

At five minutes he bangs his head repeatedly on the door and stomps on the floor. At six minutes he slaps himself in the face and wrenches his arm so hard that he dislocates his shoulder. At seven minutes he attempts to swallow a boot.

At eight minutes he cuts his nose off. At nine minutes he drives a sharpened number two pencil into each ear. At ten minutes he gouges out his eyes with a spoon.

At eleven minutes he takes a steak knife and begins to peel his skin off.

At six forty-two his brother-in-law walks from the bathroom with the newspaper tucked under his arm.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Trump's Nomination Speech (Edited Version)

I promise I will never be in a bicycle race.
Now I’m not doing that.
They sweated like dogs.
I never saw anything like it.
It was terrible.
I would do various things very quickly.
Nobody builds walls better than me.
Mark my words.
I have so many Web sites.
Hey, I have lobbyists.
They’re killing us.
You have to be hit by a tractor.
Thank you, darlin’.

I beat China all the time.
They beat us all the time.
I like China.
Am I supposed to dislike them?
I love China.
Oh, you don’t like China?
I love the Saudis.
I love my father.
I love what I’m doing.
I love my life.
Thank you. Thank you very much.

They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.
That would be a very good thing.
They’ve become rich. I’m in competition with them.
I like them.
They’re wonderful people. I like them.
No, I love them.
Thank you, darlin’.

The sun will rise, the moon will set.
All sorts of wonderful things will happen.
So I announced that I’m running for president.
I don’t think it’s gonna happen.
I’m running.
So be very, very careful.
I am officially running for president of the United States
Not good.
I tell you that.
It’s just not going to work.
It’s a disaster.
They all have jobs.
I just want a job. Just get me a job.
Please reconsider.
Please, please, please.
Thank you. Thank you very much.

I’m really rich.
I don’t have to brag.
It sounds crass.
It’s not crass.
There is so much wealth.
We need money.
I’m proud of my net worth. I’ve done an amazing job.
Nobody knows what I’m worth.
I’m called by all of the special interests.
I know the good ones. I know the bad ones.
Thank you, darlin’.

I think I am a nice person.
Does anyone know this?
Does my family like me?
They don’t know what they’re doing.
They want to be a little cool.
I am a nice person.
I think I’m actually a very nice person.
I really am.
People are tired of these nice people.
They’re not good. They think they are.
Thank you. Thank you very much.

What’s going on?
What are we doing?
We have to stop doing things for some people.
They don’t even have a chance.
I’ll do it.
We have to stop, and it has to stop now.
Don’t do it.
It only makes common sense.
We have nothing.
It’s never below zero.
That’s true. You’re right about that.
Thank you, darlin’.

If I get elected president.
The American dream is dead.
It’s going to get worse.
Really big league.
Thank you, darlin’.
Thank you. Thank you very much.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

There’s Something (Fine) About Larry (Fine)

Oh, no thanks. I don't wear hats. Why would I with a head of hair like this? (Larry Fine)

For many of us, there is a hierarchy of Stoogedom. You may be one of those high-minded types who don't like the Three Stooges and that is your prerogative (though I can’t help wishing a bear driving a car would run over your foot). It’s an acquired taste some never acquire, like crunchy peanut butter.

At the top of my Stooge hierarchy is Curly (Jerome), youngest of the three Howard (Horwitz) brothers. I know it's obvious but I make no apology for it. If you want to make an issue of it I’ll command a mollusk to rise from your soup and clamp onto your nose. After that there’s Shemp (Samuel). He was the first Third Stooge and jumped in again after his brother Curly stepped down. Shemp had his moments but he was no Curly. If you disagree we can step outside (well, I’ll stay inside and lock the door after you step out).

Slightly Dubious Ice Cream Flavors

Baby Liver and Horse Sweat Swirl
Kerosene Delite
Banana Toenail Chip
Moist Old Man
Chocolate Cholera Crunch

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Little Known Proverbs

Absence makes the chickens grow fonder of putting their eggs all in one basket.
Necessity is the mother of Ronald.
The squeaky wheel gets a gift horse with two heads and a stretch waistband.
Better late than dead.
Good things come to those who are extremely lucky.
Keep your friends close and do as the birds of a feather do to the Romans.
Hiding is the greater part of valor.
If you can't beat 'em, pay someone to beat 'em.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Inspirational Quotes That Might Need a Little Work

You were not born a winner, and you were not born a loser. You were born a moron.
Believe you can and you're just postponing the inevitable disappointment.
Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in giving up every time we fail.
When you come to the end of your rope, your neck is about to break.
Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't, I just say the hell with it.
We must become the asshole we want to see.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Up and Coming Amish Rappers

Ghostface Miller
Digable Planters
House of Grain
Hex Clan
De La Soil
DWA (Diggers With Attitude)
Old Dirty Pastor

A Brief Guide to Space Race Movies

You could sweat the details, but it’s probably safe to say that the space race between the United States and the Soviet Union lasted nearly 12 years. The Soviets kicked it off on October 4, 1957 with the launch of the little satellite that could, the one known as Sputnik. The Americans fell behind on nearly every front in those early years but then grabbed the brass ring on July 21, 1969, when Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon.

Nowadays, four decades after humans last walked on the moon, space exploration fails to stir the public imagination like it once did. Ticker tape parades for astronauts are a thing of the past, and Canadian Chris Hadfield is arguably the closest thing to a “celebrity” astronaut to come along in decades.

Read more at Black Gate