my wife is so fat - she casts a shadow on the moon
my wife is so fat - her underwear has a ripcord
my wife is so fat - her back fat drags on the floor
my wife is so fat - she has her own number on the richter scale
my wife is so fat - she needs a building permit to put skin lotion on
fall seven times - and stand up eight. then have your inner ear checked.
familiarity breeds contempt. so does bad breath.
dance like nobody is watching your spastic flailing.
don't wait for opportunity. avoid it.
two roads diverged in a wood. i took the one less traveled. now i'm lost as hell.
chuck e. cheese's
charles manson scouts of america
charles manson's olive garden
abercrombie & charles manson
charles manson institute of technology
weekend at bernies with charles manson
charles manson's babies r us
believe you can and you're postponing the inevitable disappointment.
our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in giving up every time we fail.
when you come to the end of your rope, your neck is about to break.
instead of giving myself reasons why i can't, i say the hell with it.
we must become the asshole we want to see.
a prosthetic elbow may be waiting around the next corner.
may your pockets always be filled with sufficient carrion.
beware of anthropomorphic horses who sing too loudly.
live this day as though it will be your last. it will.
necessity is the mother of ronald mcdonald.
the squeaky wheel gets a gift horse with two heads and a stretch waistband.
better late than dead.
good things come to those who are lucky.
keep your friends close and do as the birds of a feather do to the romans when in rome.
hiding is the greater part of valor.
if you can't beat 'em, pay someone to beat 'em.
my wife's so fat that i'd like to see her go on a diet
my wife's so fat that you need to shut up
my wife's so fat that she really is rather rotund
my wife's so fat that it's probably not so good for her health
such as casually approaching it on a street corner
while appearing to study your wristwatch
and then pouncing on it
and stuffing it into a satchel
or a carpetbag.
or set a very large mousetrap
in an area frequented by turkeys.
for best results,
the turkey should be dead.
if the turkey is not dead,
turkeys are not immortal.
dynamite is not considered sporting
as a method for snuffing out
the life of a turkey.
and beating a turkey to death with a shoe
may be frowned upon.
suffocating a turkey with a pillow
is considered relatively humane.
but it is no small feat to sneak up on a turkey.
do reflect on the irony
of smothering a turkey with a feather pillow.
the next step is to dress the turkey.
whatever that means.
but a nice pinafore is considered stylish
or a seersucker suit.
whatever that is.
never attempt to put a wig on a turkey.
it will only aggravate the turkey
and you won't feel good about yourself.
now place the turkey
into some type of turkey frying device
and deep fry it
in the customary manner.
if the turkey is not quite dead
you'll know it.
evil overlords are native to parts of cincinnati and the mountain ranges surrounding mordor. there are two species of evil overlord, c. badicussmellicus and c. blackheartaie. at birth they range in size from two to five ounces (and are quite cute). baby evil overlords are born with demon eyes and will typically shed their fur within the first few weeks of life. evil overlord pelts were once highly prized and so they were hunted almost to extinction. however, they have now been bred in captivity for nearly half a century.
although small in size, baby evil overlords are very active. their cages must have sufficient space to allow movement. they are mostly lovable and cuddly but can tear your throat out in a second.
a baby evil overlord's toys should be kept in an orderly way on a shelf or in a closet.
evil overlords' teeth grow continuously. incisors may grow up to ten inches annually. this can make it difficult for them to rend flesh effectively. your evil overlord should have its teeth trimmed several times a year.
evil overlords are nocturnal. they are not social animals and prefer not to be in groups. but most groups would prefer not to have them.
evil overlords should not be picked up by the ears.
male evil overlords are prone to urinary tract blockages. they are also prone to attempting to destroy the universe.
an evil overlord's natural diet consists of shrubs, human flesh, lemon vanilla cupcakes, and sludge.
evil overlords may engage in dirt-eating. more rarely they will hoot or slap their knees. they cannot vomit or square dance.