popular baby names for 2020

fuckwit
chagrined-horse
mississippi
bob
irritabilly
starbucks
melancholia
danny bonaduce
diphtheria
hamsterteeth

if more things were named after charles manson

bed bath and charles manson
chuck e. cheese's
charles manson scouts of america
charles manson's olive garden
abercrombie & charles manson
charles manson institute of technology
weekend at bernies with charles manson
charles manson's babies r us

inappropriate children's book titles

where the girls go wild things are
the cat shat in the hat
the lion, the bitch, and the wardrobe
the whorehouse at pooh corner
james and the giant mildewed toenail
charlie and the asshole factory
are you there, god? it's me, you shithead

amish rappers

ghostface miller
digable planters
house of grain
hex clan
de la soil
dwa (diggers with attitude)
old dirty pastor

not so inspirational quotes

you were not born a winner and you were not born a loser. you were born a moron.
believe you can and you're postponing the inevitable disappointment.
our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in giving up every time we fail.
when you come to the end of your rope, your neck is about to break.
instead of giving myself reasons why i can't, i say the hell with it.
we must become the asshole we want to see.

my last few fortune cookie messages

your honored mother has the countenance of an ape.
a prosthetic elbow may be waiting around the next corner.
may your pockets always be filled with sufficient carrion.
beware of anthropomorphic horses who sing too loudly.
live this day as though it will be your last. it will.

dubious ice cream flavors

moist old man
baby liver and horse sweat swirl
kerosene delite
banana toenail chip
chocolate cholera crunch

least loved breakfast cereals

kelloggs skin flakes
toasted baby feet
shredded rat
lowlife
plumbers cracks
count retchula
frosted dingleberries
carrion chex
lice krispies
cream of poodle
fruity marbles

japanese monster movies you've never heard of

kramer vs. godzilla
the three faces of megalon
mechagodzilla vs. the abercrombie and fitch models
breakfast at tiffany's with mothra
rodan vs. the cast of 60 minutes

spoilers you might not want to read

darth vader is a horse
norman bates' mother turns out to be the stepmother of larry the cable guy's mother
buffy slays vampires
rosebud was charles foster kane's pet hippo
schindler's got some kind of list

confused proverbs

absence makes the chickens grow fonder of putting their eggs in one basket.
necessity is the mother of ronald mcdonald.
the squeaky wheel gets a gift horse with two heads and a stretch waistband.
better late than dead.
good things come to those who are lucky.
keep your friends close and do as the birds of a feather do to the romans when in rome.
hiding is the greater part of valor.
if you can't beat 'em, pay someone to beat 'em.

#pantene

casually walking around with a bag of hair.
my hair smells so good.
i love my hair.
damn my hair smells to good right now.
my hair smells so beautiful n feels like feathers.
i love my hair.
at walmart today, a lady told me i should be in a pantene commercial.

amish tv shows

raking bad
so you think you can plow
the growmore girls
pimp my buggy
friday night lanterns
the hex-files

stages of partying

party like mother teresa
party like a guy who'd probably rather be doing something in a laboratory
party like a rock star's great aunt
party like a duck
party naked
party like a goose
party like it's 1999
party like a chickadee
party hearty
party your ass off

overlooked kickstarter campaigns

abscess: the musical
dan rather action figures
remake lawrence of arabia with less "desert stuff"
research study on the word millinery
slip-proof banana peel
horse feather beds

fat wife jokes from a guy who doesn't get the concept

my wife's so fat that when she sits around the house she finds it a much needed rest
my wife's so fat that i'd like to see her go on a diet
my wife's so fat that you need to shut up
my wife's so fat that she really is rather rotund
my wife's so fat that it's probably not so good for her health

why babies suck

shriek their fat heads off with little provocation.
contribute nothing to the gross national product.
content to wallow in their own filth.
incapable of engaging in sustained political discourse.
no fashion sense.
rarely create engaging works of sculpture.

how to deep fry a turkey

procure a turkey in the usual manner.
such as casually approaching it on a street corner
while appearing to study your wristwatch
and then pouncing on it
and stuffing it into a satchel
or a carpetbag.
or set a very large mousetrap
in an area frequented by turkeys.
for best results,
the turkey should be dead.
if the turkey is not dead,
be patient,
turkeys are not immortal.
dynamite is not considered sporting
as a method for snuffing out
the life of a turkey.
and beating a turkey to death with a shoe
may be frowned upon.
suffocating a turkey with a pillow
is considered relatively humane.
but it is no small feat to sneak up on a turkey.
do reflect on the irony
of smothering a turkey with a feather pillow.
the next step is to dress the turkey.
whatever that means.
but a nice pinafore is considered stylish
or a seersucker suit.
whatever that is.
never attempt to put a wig on a turkey.
it will only aggravate the turkey
and you won't feel good about yourself.
now place the turkey
into some type of turkey frying device
and deep fry it
in the customary manner.
if the turkey is not quite dead
you'll know it.

care and feeding of your evil overlord

evil overlords are like kittens or skid steer loaders. they require periodic inspections and proper maintenance to continue working properly. an evil overlord should have a regular inspection to prevent problems and keep the owner from suffering consequences such as repair bills or total world domination. your evil overlord should be inspected once a year by a qualified professional.

evil overlords are native to parts of cincinnati and the mountain ranges surrounding mordor. there are two species of evil overlord, c. badicussmellicus and c. blackheartaie. at birth they range in size from two to five ounces (and are quite cute). baby evil overlords are born with demon eyes and will typically shed their fur within the first few weeks of life. evil overlord pelts were once highly prized and so they were hunted almost to extinction. however, they have now been bred in captivity for nearly half a century.

although small in size, baby evil overlords are very active. their cages must have sufficient space to allow movement. they are mostly lovable and cuddly but can tear your throat out in a second.

a baby evil overlord's toys should be kept in an orderly way on a shelf or in a closet.

evil overlords' teeth grow continuously. incisors may grow up to ten inches annually. this can make it difficult for them to rend flesh effectively. your evil overlord should have its teeth trimmed several times a year.

evil overlords are nocturnal. they are not social animals and prefer not to be in groups. but most groups would prefer not to have them.

evil overlords should not be picked up by the ears.

male evil overlords are prone to urinary tract blockages. they are also prone to attempting to destroy the universe.

an evil overlord's natural diet consists of shrubs, human flesh, lemon vanilla cupcakes, and sludge.

evil overlords may engage in dirt-eating. more rarely they will hoot or slap their knees. they cannot vomit or square dance.