care and feeding of your evil overlord

evil overlords are like kittens or skid steer loaders. they require periodic inspections and proper maintenance to continue working properly. an evil overlord should have a regular inspection to prevent problems and keep the owner from suffering consequences such as repair bills or total world domination. your evil overlord should be inspected once a year by a qualified professional.

evil overlords are native to parts of cincinnati and the mountain ranges surrounding mordor. there are two species of evil overlord, c. badicussmellicus and c. blackheartaie. at birth they range in size from two to five ounces (and are quite cute). baby evil overlords are born with demon eyes and will typically shed their fur within the first few weeks of life. evil overlord pelts were once highly prized and so they were hunted almost to extinction. however, they have now been bred in captivity for nearly half a century.

although small in size, baby evil overlords are very active. their cages must have sufficient space to allow movement. they are mostly lovable and cuddly but can tear your throat out in a second.

a baby evil overlord's toys should be kept in an orderly way on a shelf or in a closet.

evil overlords' teeth grow continuously. incisors may grow up to ten inches annually. this can make it difficult for them to rend flesh effectively. your evil overlord should have its teeth trimmed several times a year.

evil overlords are nocturnal. they are not social animals and prefer not to be in groups. but most groups would prefer not to have them.

evil overlords should not be picked up by the ears.

male evil overlords are prone to urinary tract blockages. they are also prone to attempting to destroy the universe.

an evil overlord's natural diet consists of shrubs, human flesh, lemon vanilla cupcakes, and sludge.

evil overlords may engage in dirt-eating. more rarely they will hoot or slap their knees. they cannot vomit or square dance.

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