Sunday, August 2, 2015

Accident Prone Hamlet

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
[steps in a paint bucket]
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
[tries to shake the paint bucket loose]
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
[still trying to shake the paint bucket loose - stumbles - catches himself - bangs his elbow on a chair]
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
[gives his foot a hard shake - the paint bucket flies high in the air - comes down and hits him in forehead]
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
[disoriented - eyes slightly glazed over]
No more; and, by a sleep to say we end
[walks into the wall]
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
[very disoriented]
That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation
[slips on a banana peel - long pause while he gets up and composes himself]
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep;
[throws his arms wide for emphasis - knocks a vase off the table and smashes it]
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;
[picks up the shards of the vase - sticks his finger into a mousetrap]
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
[tries to shake the mousetrap loose and whacks himself in the face]
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
[decides to take a breather - sits on a bear trap that his servant forgot to put away]
Must give us pause. There’s the respect
[leaps to his feet - runs around the room]
That makes calamity of so long life;
[still trying to extricate himself from the bear trap]
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
[finally gets the bear trap loose - steps on a rake - clocks himself in the face]
The oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely,
[extremely disoriented now - falls down the stairs]
[decides to call it a day - lies down with a cool rag on his face]

Sunday Song: Renaldo And The Loaf - Is Guava a Donut?

Saturday, August 1, 2015

A Brief Guide to Space Race Documentaries

While I liked the space race movies I wrote about here recently, my preference is for documentaries. Fortunately, there are quite a few good examples of this breed. This isn’t a definitive listing, but rather a few of the better known space documentaries that are worth a look.

For All Mankind (1989)
It’s probably no accident that For All Mankind appeared in 1989, exactly two decades after humans first set foot on the moon. It focuses on the Apollo missions that culminated in several trips to the moon and features the usual array of archival footage, along with comments by Michael Collins (Apollo 11), Jim Lovell (Apollo 8/13), and 11 other Apollo astronauts. All of which is set to appropriately spacey music by ambient music pioneer, Brian Eno.

Read more at Black Gate

Saturday, July 25, 2015

The Curmudgeon

He is accustomed to retrieving the newspaper at precisely six thirty.

It isn't there.

He fumes. He rants incoherently and jerks and twitches. After about a minute he begins to froth at the mouth.

One minute after that he starts to bark and growl and gnaw at his arm. At three minutes he dumps a pot of hot coffee on his head. At four minutes he yells so loudly that his teeth fly out and stick in the wall and his wig pops off and lands on the cat.

At five minutes he bangs his head repeatedly on the door and stomps on the floor. At six minutes he slaps himself in the face and wrenches his arm so hard that he dislocates his shoulder. At seven minutes he attempts to swallow a boot.

At eight minutes he cuts his nose off. At nine minutes he drives a sharpened number two pencil into each ear. At ten minutes he gouges out his eyes with a spoon.

At eleven minutes he takes a steak knife and begins to peel his skin off.

At six forty-two his brother-in-law walks from the bathroom with the newspaper tucked under his arm.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Trump's Nomination Speech (Edited Version)

I promise I will never be in a bicycle race.
Now I’m not doing that.
They sweated like dogs.
I never saw anything like it.
It was terrible.
I would do various things very quickly.
Nobody builds walls better than me.
Mark my words.
I have so many Web sites.
Hey, I have lobbyists.
They’re killing us.
You have to be hit by a tractor.
Thank you, darlin’.

I beat China all the time.
They beat us all the time.
I like China.
Am I supposed to dislike them?
I love China.
Oh, you don’t like China?
I love the Saudis.
I love my father.
I love what I’m doing.
I love my life.
Thank you. Thank you very much.

They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.
That would be a very good thing.
They’ve become rich. I’m in competition with them.
I like them.
They’re wonderful people. I like them.
No, I love them.
Thank you, darlin’.

The sun will rise, the moon will set.
All sorts of wonderful things will happen.
So I announced that I’m running for president.
I don’t think it’s gonna happen.
I’m running.
So be very, very careful.
I am officially running for president of the United States
Not good.
I tell you that.
It’s just not going to work.
It’s a disaster.
They all have jobs.
I just want a job. Just get me a job.
Please reconsider.
Please, please, please.
Thank you. Thank you very much.

I’m really rich.
I don’t have to brag.
It sounds crass.
It’s not crass.
There is so much wealth.
We need money.
I’m proud of my net worth. I’ve done an amazing job.
Nobody knows what I’m worth.
I’m called by all of the special interests.
I know the good ones. I know the bad ones.
Thank you, darlin’.

I think I am a nice person.
Does anyone know this?
Does my family like me?
They don’t know what they’re doing.
They want to be a little cool.
I am a nice person.
I think I’m actually a very nice person.
I really am.
People are tired of these nice people.
They’re not good. They think they are.
Thank you. Thank you very much.

What’s going on?
What are we doing?
We have to stop doing things for some people.
They don’t even have a chance.
I’ll do it.
We have to stop, and it has to stop now.
Don’t do it.
It only makes common sense.
We have nothing.
It’s never below zero.
That’s true. You’re right about that.
Thank you, darlin’.

If I get elected president.
The American dream is dead.
It’s going to get worse.
Really big league.
Thank you, darlin’.
Thank you. Thank you very much.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

There’s Something (Fine) About Larry (Fine)

Oh, no thanks. I don't wear hats. Why would I with a head of hair like this? (Larry Fine)

For many of us, there is a hierarchy of Stoogedom. You may be one of those high-minded types who don't like the Three Stooges and that is your prerogative (though I can’t help wishing a bear driving a car would run over your foot). It’s an acquired taste some never acquire, like crunchy peanut butter.

At the top of my Stooge hierarchy is Curly (Jerome), youngest of the three Howard (Horwitz) brothers. I know it's obvious but I make no apology for it. If you want to make an issue of it I’ll command a mollusk to rise from your soup and clamp onto your nose. After that there’s Shemp (Samuel). He was the first Third Stooge and jumped in again after his brother Curly stepped down. Shemp had his moments but he was no Curly. If you disagree we can step outside (well, I’ll stay inside and lock the door after you step out).

Sunday Song: The Residents - Constantinople

Slightly Dubious Ice Cream Flavors

Baby Liver and Horse Sweat Swirl
Kerosene Delite
Banana Toenail Chip
Moist Old Man
Chocolate Cholera Crunch

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Good People of Moronika


He tried to swallow the bathtub.
So early in the morning.
Wake up and go to sleep.
You're barking up the wrong fish.
Here's some cyanide and razorblades.

When you hear the conk on the dome, it will be exactly 3 o'clock.
You're a sleep wrecker.
Point to the right for this chump.
Go to sleep before I murder you.
I'll tear your tonsils out.
You lamebrains can't do anything right.

Oh, woe is Moe.
Oh, woe is you.
Sometimes he goes too far.
He's the first one to admit it.
It is recognized that he has a funny sense of fun.

Are you kidding me?
My mother knows my name.
I'm as pure as the driven snow.
I'm trying to think, but nothing happens.
I must be dead.
I hear an angel singing.

I caught this man walking down the street with a chicken.
Hold hands, you love birds.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Sunday Song: Cathedral - A Funeral Request

Heavy, man.

Antipathy To Wigs

With regard to purgatory, I will not say a great deal.
Since my ancestors ate Captain Cook.
It's a tale of sorrow to freeze the lachrymal canals.
And it makes the very blood congeal.
Why, it's worse than having a tooth pulled.
So we will now sing the ninetieth Psalm.

I can manage the horse.
Until another painter of horses is sent for.
But sheep are the stupidest creatures living.
What is your opinion of a tolerable egg?
I have two ducks and a turkey in my drum.
And have always been lenient with lobsters.

I will take a dollar for the car.
But then why should I keep my bed?
He left them dead.
And I say prithee be gone; for thy boots stink.
I prefer a higher type of humanity.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

That Is Why We Need Godzilla

He had on the most realistic looking pig costume I've ever seen.
He had a funny sense of fun.
But it is not unusual to see a sasquatch in the spring.
Nobody hipped me to that, dude.
I want to be one who goes around with a little oil can.

Human beings want heroes.
The groovy gurus.
It's time for an ass-whupping.
The trick is not minding that it hurts.
There are some things that time cannot mend.
So say goodnight to the bad guy.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

What’s All The Kerfuffle About?

Violent Kerfuffle
Cronut Kerfuffle
Velvet Kerfuffle
Pizzeria Kerfuffle
Giant Kerfuffle
Dickensian Kerfuffle
Baby Shower Kerfuffle
iPhone Bending Kerfuffle
Snuffle Kerfuffle
Reshuffle Kerfuffle
Truffle Kerfuffle
Kremlin Kerfuffle
Chicken Kerfuffle
Snickerdoodle Kerfuffle

Cancer Theory Kerfuffle
GM Compensation Kerfuffle
Awful Waffle Kerfuffle
Irreducibly Simple Kerfuffle
Grammy Awards Kerfuffle
Prom Dress Kerfuffle
Best Hairy Kerfuffle
Vendor Prefix Kerfuffle
Facebook Ethnography Kerfuffle

N.C. State T-Shirt Kerfuffle
Ascension Animal Shelter Kerfuffle
Silly George Stephanopoulos Kerfuffle
Cate Blanchett Press Kerfuffle
Ben Affleck's Card-Counting Kerfuffle
Great Spiritual Formation Kerfuffle
Netflix's Kerfuffle In Canada

Kerfuffle Over The Chairmanship
Kerfuffle Over Waffle Maker
Kerfuffle Over Global Wealth Stats

Diablo IP Theft Trial Kerfuffle
Quincy Korean War Remembrance Kerfuffle
La Urbana Sidewalk Seating Kerfuffle
Red Sox Pitching Coach Kerfuffle
8GB Xperia M4 Aqua Storage Kerfuffle

Kerfuffle Follies
Kerfuffle In Spanish
Kerfuffle Before Christmas
Kerfuffle By The Jetty
Kerfuffle Over Finding A Kiffle
Kerfuffle Over Non-Cosmological Quasar Redshifts

Queen Of Kerfuffle

Sunday, July 5, 2015

They Preserve the Moose

Down to the river they go.
They are indeed a queer-looking party.
Everybody is going to California.
You're gonna need a bigger boat.
Come sail away, come sail away.

Mermaids is mermaids.
The approach of one of these animals
Will cause a corpse to jump.
He's dead, Jim.

He burst five buttons off,
And tumbled in a fit.
His smile was sweet and his eyes were kind.
The very next day a grizzly bear ate him.
Now he’s sleeping with his horse.

The lion sneezed and a cat leaped out of its nose.
And the cat ate the rats.
Singing polly wooly doodle all the day.
What makes the muskrat guard his musk?
Things like that drive me out of my mind.

My Kindle eBooks

Little Known Proverbs

Absence makes the chickens grow fonder of putting their eggs all in one basket.
Necessity is the mother of Ronald.
The squeaky wheel gets a gift horse with two heads and a stretch waistband.
Better late than dead.
Good things come to those who are extremely lucky.
Keep your friends close and do as the birds of a feather do to the Romans.
Hiding is the greater part of valor.
If you can't beat 'em, pay someone to beat 'em.

Sunday Song: MX-80 Sound - Someday You'll Be King

Saturday, July 4, 2015

How to Deep Fry a Turkey

To deep fry a turkey.
Procure a turkey in the usual manner.
Such as casually approaching one on a street corner
Or in a senior citizen's home
While appearing to gaze at your wristwatch
And then pouncing on it
And stuffing it into a satchel
Or a carpetbag.
Or set a very large mousetrap
In an area frequented by turkeys.
For best results,
The turkey should be dead.
If the turkey is not dead,
Just be patient,
For pity's sake.
Turkeys are not immortal.
Or you can drop the hammer on that little devil,
In a literal or figurative sense.
It's really up to you.
Dynamite is not considered sporting
As a method for snuffing out
The life of a turkey.
And beating a turkey to death with a shoe
May be frowned upon
In some quarters.
But suffocating a turkey with a pillow
Is considered relatively humane.
It is no small feat to sneak up on a turkey.
And please reflect on the irony
Of smothering a turkey with a feather pillow.
Next, dress the turkey.
No one seems to be sure what this means.
But a nice pinafore is considered stylish
In the turkey community
Or a seersucker suit.
Whatever that is.
Never attempt to put a wig on a turkey.
It will only aggravate the turkey
And you won't feel very good about yourself.
Now place the turkey
Into some type of turkey deep frying device
And fry it
In the customary manner.
If the turkey is not quite dead
You'll know it.
For further instructions
See Appendix 2C,
How to Deep Fry a Turkey

Inspirational Quotes That Might Still Need a Little Work

You were not born a winner, and you were not born a loser. You were born a moron.
We have nothing to fear but everything.
Believe you can and you're just postponing the inevitable disappointment.
Change your thoughts and don't forget to change your underwear.
Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in giving up every time we fail.
When you come to the end of your rope, your neck is about to break.
Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't, I just say the hell with it.
We must become the asshole we want to see.

A Little South of France

An artist and an astrophysicist and a rabbi walk into a bar.
Hopping hither and thither.
Crazy as three waltzing mice.
In this twittering world.
Somebody flings a mattress out.
And their hair stands on end.
There stand they, poor rinkrank, on their seventeen long shanks.
A little south of France brain-wise.
Dark and beautiful and probably doomed.
A mouse of a mouse to a mouse a mouse o mouse
The mice they'll hang up in the smoke, and then you'll see the snow.
Strange language.
Slimy things did crawl with legs.
Spoiled their act as a clown.
There at the bottom of the food chain.
They welcome our new insect overlords.
Toddle off and fly your flying machine.
You vagabonds!

Friday, July 3, 2015

Up and Coming Amish Rappers

Ghostface Miller
Digable Planters
House of Grain
Hex Clan
De La Soil
DWA (Diggers With Attitude)
Old Dirty Pastor

Haiku on a Shoe-Pegging Machine - Patent US5896

Teeth of the pinion
Automaton shoemaker
Secured by set screws

A Brief Guide to Space Race Movies

You could sweat the details, but it’s probably safe to say that the space race between the United States and the Soviet Union lasted nearly 12 years. The Soviets kicked it off on October 4, 1957 with the launch of the little satellite that could, the one known as Sputnik. The Americans fell behind on nearly every front in those early years but then grabbed the brass ring on July 21, 1969, when Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon.

Nowadays, four decades after humans last walked on the moon, space exploration fails to stir the public imagination like it once did. Ticker tape parades for astronauts are a thing of the past, and Canadian Chris Hadfield is arguably the closest thing to a “celebrity” astronaut to come along in decades.

Read more at Black Gate

Thursday, July 2, 2015

My Name Is For My Friends

Just the place for a snark.
What do I get?
A lot of yak from you.
The clocks strike thirteen.
The clouds hang low in the heavens.
Smolten in our mist.
One of these days the sun's gonna come up.
And burn a hole clean through the planet.
Some guy had a sign saying it was the end of the world.
When you get there you'll find yourself a cheery land.
The drugs begin to take hold.
Ahh, smell those Christmas trees.
They're altogether ooky.
That, my dear Vance
Is the understatement of the year.

My Kindle eBooks

Monday, June 29, 2015

A Mouse Did Run

It is wise to bring some water
When one goes out to look for water.
So please move your ass.
Charlie don't surf.
Dennis surfed.
Brian couldn't surf.
It was a dark and stormy night.
As pretty as an airport.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat.
The minister needed it to stuff a cushion.
Never trust a man with short legs.
I'll see your horse and raise you a grand piano.
Around here we don't give a man a funeral
Unless we're pretty sure he needs one.
We were all going direct to Heaven.
We don't steal cable in Heaven.
A mouse did run.
This story is done.